2014
Waiting
12/23/14 21:37
Waiting. Waiting is the hardest. Confusion leads to frustration leads to anger leads to madness. Cause and effect unspool before you in a grim depressing continuum of what seems like logic. You have somewhere to be. Someone is waiting for you. The birthday, the anniversary, the event doesn't matter. This one was important. They were all important, but this one was IMPORTANT. You timed it precisely. Gave yourself a buffer. More than enough time. Yet something has happened. Somewhere, your connecting link has broken down.
You stare at the clock so considerately provided to tell you you have twenty minutes, fifteen minutes, ten, nine, eight. Gears turn in your head, an internal clock ticking ever closer towards zero, the time after which all is lost, you've missed the train, it's an hour to the next one, you're fucked. You will call. She will be tense. You will explain. You cannot meet your commitments, you cannot pick her up when you promised you would. You will be very late and clean or sort of late and smelly. You are a disappointment. A failure. She won't reject your apology. She won't accept it either. She has, in her words, every right to be frustrated. She's going to break up with you. Maybe not over this, but it's a nail in the coffin.
And in your mind, despairing, angry, self-loathing, well aware that being late now is just the latest in a series of ways you have let her down that really ARE your fault, you scrabble desperately for a reason that is not your fault, something outside yourself, beyond your control, responsible for all your miseries. And of course, you blame the trains.
All of life's disappointments can be laid at the feet of the trains. The overpriced, underscheduled, overcrowded, understaffed, noisy, rude, smelly, dirty, contagious, inconvenient, and utterly necessary trains. And you can't do anything about it, you can't take your business to Train Line B to show your disapproval of Train Line A. You have no recourse. You must accept it. Shitty train experiences are a part of life. Like death and taxes.
And all you can do is sit on your bench, if you can find a bench, if the stop has a bench, if the person to bench ratio isn't the standard thirty to one, if someone hasn't peed on the bench, or vomited on it, or worse. Sit at your bench, and watch, and listen, desperately willing the train to come to you. Like a gambler praying to cruel capricious Lady Luck, you pray to the train gods to smooth your crossing, open your path, remove obstacles, not leave you stranded in the middle of a swamp with the engine leaking oil and no one willing to explain the situation to you except (in a manner oddly reminiscent of God himself) through a garbled inarticulate message over the barely functioning intercom.
And all this time, as your mind churns with possibilities and consequences and blame…you are waiting. And waiting is the hardest.
You stare at the clock so considerately provided to tell you you have twenty minutes, fifteen minutes, ten, nine, eight. Gears turn in your head, an internal clock ticking ever closer towards zero, the time after which all is lost, you've missed the train, it's an hour to the next one, you're fucked. You will call. She will be tense. You will explain. You cannot meet your commitments, you cannot pick her up when you promised you would. You will be very late and clean or sort of late and smelly. You are a disappointment. A failure. She won't reject your apology. She won't accept it either. She has, in her words, every right to be frustrated. She's going to break up with you. Maybe not over this, but it's a nail in the coffin.
And in your mind, despairing, angry, self-loathing, well aware that being late now is just the latest in a series of ways you have let her down that really ARE your fault, you scrabble desperately for a reason that is not your fault, something outside yourself, beyond your control, responsible for all your miseries. And of course, you blame the trains.
All of life's disappointments can be laid at the feet of the trains. The overpriced, underscheduled, overcrowded, understaffed, noisy, rude, smelly, dirty, contagious, inconvenient, and utterly necessary trains. And you can't do anything about it, you can't take your business to Train Line B to show your disapproval of Train Line A. You have no recourse. You must accept it. Shitty train experiences are a part of life. Like death and taxes.
And all you can do is sit on your bench, if you can find a bench, if the stop has a bench, if the person to bench ratio isn't the standard thirty to one, if someone hasn't peed on the bench, or vomited on it, or worse. Sit at your bench, and watch, and listen, desperately willing the train to come to you. Like a gambler praying to cruel capricious Lady Luck, you pray to the train gods to smooth your crossing, open your path, remove obstacles, not leave you stranded in the middle of a swamp with the engine leaking oil and no one willing to explain the situation to you except (in a manner oddly reminiscent of God himself) through a garbled inarticulate message over the barely functioning intercom.
And all this time, as your mind churns with possibilities and consequences and blame…you are waiting. And waiting is the hardest.
Which is Worse
10/19/14 21:12
People often asked why we lived there
And we told them that the views were spectacular
And the property values were a steal
And the odds of the worst happening were so low
And if you just didn’t think about it
It was the most pleasant place to walk and talk
And so we walked and talked
We had favorite spots
And paths we carved out ourselves
And almost without thinking
We stepped around bulges in the earth
Without commenting on why
And yes, it was dangerous
And yes, it was frightening
But we never showed each other so
And the knowledge that every step
Could bring destruction
Just made every word more valuable
And every sight more precious
And each other’s company sweeter
And every time we went to see the other
Our hearts filled up so high with fear and joy
That we could see it in each other’s faces
Until one day as we walked
We heard a distant explosion
And she asked me, What was that?
And I said
It was a mine
And then I looked her in the eye and said
We are standing in a minefield
And I felt like I had made a mistake
Because now we couldn’t act like it was fine
But we also didn’t want to leave
So we found a map
And carefully planted flags
A flag beside every mine
And god, there were so many
And now we saw how close we had come
How we had walked so close to them
How some of our favorite places were lined with them
And we still walk and talk
But we can’t enjoy the view
Because our eyes and our hearts are always in the earth now
On the flags we can’t ignore
And all the flags seem to scream at us now
You are walking in a minefield
And every step could be your last
But now it’s a threat and not a promise
Because neither wants to see the other hurt
So we walk softly now, talking less, staring at the ground
And never at each other
No longer able to think clearly
And the knowing is now worse than the willful ignorance
And we never stray from the few safe paths we know
And then one day we come to the path to the hill
So thick with wildflowers that it looked like a garden
With a view that never once got old
We loved that place the most
And now, we saw, so crowded with flags
That we were shocked we had ever survived
For once we stared at each other, sadly
And we started to turn away
But I stopped, looked her in the eye again
Then slowly stepped forward between two flags
Not two feet apart
And turned to see if she would follow
And we told them that the views were spectacular
And the property values were a steal
And the odds of the worst happening were so low
And if you just didn’t think about it
It was the most pleasant place to walk and talk
And so we walked and talked
We had favorite spots
And paths we carved out ourselves
And almost without thinking
We stepped around bulges in the earth
Without commenting on why
And yes, it was dangerous
And yes, it was frightening
But we never showed each other so
And the knowledge that every step
Could bring destruction
Just made every word more valuable
And every sight more precious
And each other’s company sweeter
And every time we went to see the other
Our hearts filled up so high with fear and joy
That we could see it in each other’s faces
Until one day as we walked
We heard a distant explosion
And she asked me, What was that?
And I said
It was a mine
And then I looked her in the eye and said
We are standing in a minefield
And I felt like I had made a mistake
Because now we couldn’t act like it was fine
But we also didn’t want to leave
So we found a map
And carefully planted flags
A flag beside every mine
And god, there were so many
And now we saw how close we had come
How we had walked so close to them
How some of our favorite places were lined with them
And we still walk and talk
But we can’t enjoy the view
Because our eyes and our hearts are always in the earth now
On the flags we can’t ignore
And all the flags seem to scream at us now
You are walking in a minefield
And every step could be your last
But now it’s a threat and not a promise
Because neither wants to see the other hurt
So we walk softly now, talking less, staring at the ground
And never at each other
No longer able to think clearly
And the knowing is now worse than the willful ignorance
And we never stray from the few safe paths we know
And then one day we come to the path to the hill
So thick with wildflowers that it looked like a garden
With a view that never once got old
We loved that place the most
And now, we saw, so crowded with flags
That we were shocked we had ever survived
For once we stared at each other, sadly
And we started to turn away
But I stopped, looked her in the eye again
Then slowly stepped forward between two flags
Not two feet apart
And turned to see if she would follow
Daffodil
10/18/14 16:23
I wish I were a narcissist
Oh sure, I'd be horrible to be around
But I wouldn't care
Because I'd be a fucking narcissist
World hunger? Gee, that's terrible
But hey, at least I'm awesome
My friend's having a real rough day?
Cheer up, man, I'm here
Oh, God, to have that self confidence,
That self assurance, that self righteousness,
That freedom from self doubt,
That utter lack of self-awareness.
Oh, the things I could accomplish
If I thought I was hot shit.
Oh, to know that I, one among billions
Am DESTINED for something more, for GREATNESS
To know that I am a wolf among sheep
A shark among minnows
A lion among lambs
A tiger in the sack
And the elephant in the room
(Everyone is thinking about me
Even if nobody is saying it)
Oh, to know that when a girl smiles at me
It's not because she's a nice person
It's because she wants to jump me
Harder than a game of hopscotch
That she'd tap that until it fell off
And it's only because she's shy that she doesn't say it
And I would be perfectly justified in hitting on her
Shamelessly, repeatedly, relentlessly,
Ignoring any signs of indifference
Or uneasiness or outright hostility
As just her playing hard to get
Oh, I wish I were a narcissist
Because then, I'd always know
That someone loved me
Because then, I'd always know
I was worthy of their love
Because then, I'd always know
They were worthy of mine
Oh sure, I'd be horrible to be around
But I wouldn't care
Because I'd be a fucking narcissist
World hunger? Gee, that's terrible
But hey, at least I'm awesome
My friend's having a real rough day?
Cheer up, man, I'm here
Oh, God, to have that self confidence,
That self assurance, that self righteousness,
That freedom from self doubt,
That utter lack of self-awareness.
Oh, the things I could accomplish
If I thought I was hot shit.
Oh, to know that I, one among billions
Am DESTINED for something more, for GREATNESS
To know that I am a wolf among sheep
A shark among minnows
A lion among lambs
A tiger in the sack
And the elephant in the room
(Everyone is thinking about me
Even if nobody is saying it)
Oh, to know that when a girl smiles at me
It's not because she's a nice person
It's because she wants to jump me
Harder than a game of hopscotch
That she'd tap that until it fell off
And it's only because she's shy that she doesn't say it
And I would be perfectly justified in hitting on her
Shamelessly, repeatedly, relentlessly,
Ignoring any signs of indifference
Or uneasiness or outright hostility
As just her playing hard to get
Oh, I wish I were a narcissist
Because then, I'd always know
That someone loved me
Because then, I'd always know
I was worthy of their love
Because then, I'd always know
They were worthy of mine
Subliminal
10/14/14 21:35
I dreamed that my phone woke me up
I knew it was a dream, but I went with it
I reached over with my dream hands
Pulled it from the dream nightstand
And saw that you had texted me
And all the message said was
"Do you want to know something?"
And suddenly I did
I really, really did
So I woke myself for real
So that I could text you back
But it was just a dream
And my inbox was empty
And now I'm lying here, awake
Still waiting to know
What was so important for you to tell me
That you woke me up twice
I knew it was a dream, but I went with it
I reached over with my dream hands
Pulled it from the dream nightstand
And saw that you had texted me
And all the message said was
"Do you want to know something?"
And suddenly I did
I really, really did
So I woke myself for real
So that I could text you back
But it was just a dream
And my inbox was empty
And now I'm lying here, awake
Still waiting to know
What was so important for you to tell me
That you woke me up twice
"A scientist once told me..."
09/09/14 21:50
A scientist once told me
I was drunk on oxytocin
And that’s why I’m in love with you
And bacon
Both have made me feel good
So my brain got hit with hormones
Saying hey, that was a good thing
You should give me more of that
And that’s the reason why
My brain’s in love with you
And bacon
But there has to be more to it
Because I can’t spend 14 hours
In the company of bacon
And feel like that was not enough
Bacon doesn’t make me feel
Like airing all my secrets
And frankly I don’t give a shit
What bacon has to say
I don’t lie in bed at night
Wondering what bacon thinks of me
I don’t stare at my cellphone
Wondering if I should text bacon
Because maybe bacon’s busy
And I don’t want to look desperate
And while I love the smell of bacon
And I love the smell of you
I never breathe in your perfume
And suddenly desire a sandwich
And I think we can both agree
That’s probably a good thing
You don’t make me salivate
And again, that’s a relief
Because that would be real creepy
For everyone concerned
And as far as I can tell
You aren’t bad for my cholesterol
Although I will admit
You boost my blood pressure some times
No, there has to be more to it
Because hunger is not hunger
And desire is not desire
And love is not love
And we both know there’s a difference
And the absence will be the evidence
I was drunk on oxytocin
And that’s why I’m in love with you
And bacon
Both have made me feel good
So my brain got hit with hormones
Saying hey, that was a good thing
You should give me more of that
And that’s the reason why
My brain’s in love with you
And bacon
But there has to be more to it
Because I can’t spend 14 hours
In the company of bacon
And feel like that was not enough
Bacon doesn’t make me feel
Like airing all my secrets
And frankly I don’t give a shit
What bacon has to say
I don’t lie in bed at night
Wondering what bacon thinks of me
I don’t stare at my cellphone
Wondering if I should text bacon
Because maybe bacon’s busy
And I don’t want to look desperate
And while I love the smell of bacon
And I love the smell of you
I never breathe in your perfume
And suddenly desire a sandwich
And I think we can both agree
That’s probably a good thing
You don’t make me salivate
And again, that’s a relief
Because that would be real creepy
For everyone concerned
And as far as I can tell
You aren’t bad for my cholesterol
Although I will admit
You boost my blood pressure some times
No, there has to be more to it
Because hunger is not hunger
And desire is not desire
And love is not love
And we both know there’s a difference
And the absence will be the evidence
Surface Tension
09/09/14 19:11
It’s probably best not to ask me how my day was
Because all I’ll probably say is “good”
It won’t be a lie, not exactly
But it’s not the truth, it’s far from the truth
Because the truth is so much broader
And so much more narrow
Because I could just as easily answer
How the last five minutes were
Because I’ve had 200 thoughts flit in and out
in the last 300 seconds
About my teeth
About the weather
About that TV show
About how my arm used to fit around my ex
About my teeth
About paying rent
About how the manatee
Is the closest relative of the elephant
About having sex
About an elephant’s ears
And how they act like air conditioners
And I don’t know how to parse and pick
Which is the most important
And tell you if that thought was good or bad
Those five minutes weren’t good or bad
They just were
And the day just was
It was full of everything
But I don’t have a thing to show for it
Nothing at all
But you want an answer
And I’m standing here shrugging to buy myself some time
And time has taught me
Not to tell people about any of the 10,000 thoughts
Because they’ll either go blank and nod
Or think I’m odd
That I was obsessing all day
Over elephants or sex
Or both
So I tell you what I did today in the broadest strokes
I worked
I ate
I slept
I read a book
And then your eyes glaze over
And I don’t know how to tell you
That I also thought of René Descartes
And how he chose to doubt everything
Even his own existence
And then concluded that he could not doubt his own existence
If he didn’t even exist to begin with
And therefore, because he doubted, he existed
I can’t tell you that
Because that was less than 30 seconds of my day
And I don’t have any more to say about it
And no one gives a shit
And then I’ll just look weird
Or an idiot
Because I am an idiot
You’re an idiot
Everyone’s an idiot
Maybe not now
Maybe not often
But always lurking in the shadows
Your inner idiot waits to take hold
And humiliate you at a moment’s notice
And then the first impression is ruined
And I only got one chance to make it
And then you’ll know I’m a fool
And it’s better to be thought a fool
Than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt
And if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all
And don’t talk too much because you’ll seem self-important
And all the other lessons that a good child learns
That I haven’t yet learned to forget
So I keep my mouth shut and my ears open
I take the world in and don’t let it out
And if that makes me look cold and distant
Then I’ll learn not to care
Or fake not caring what the world thinks of me
I’ll learn how to smirk instead of smile
To chuckle instead of laugh
To be terse instead of talkative
My stone face staring down inscrutable
Like the head of an island giant
Until the day comes when I recognize
That wounded look in the other’s eyes
And I see that you think I don’t care
And that it hurts you
And I can’t tell you otherwise
Because the mask I built was secured with superglue
It seemed like a good idea at the time
And when I finally manage rip it off
You’ve had time to work on constructing your own
And now I feel the cool gaze on me
As all I can think to ask
Is how your day was?
Because all I’ll probably say is “good”
It won’t be a lie, not exactly
But it’s not the truth, it’s far from the truth
Because the truth is so much broader
And so much more narrow
Because I could just as easily answer
How the last five minutes were
Because I’ve had 200 thoughts flit in and out
in the last 300 seconds
About my teeth
About the weather
About that TV show
About how my arm used to fit around my ex
About my teeth
About paying rent
About how the manatee
Is the closest relative of the elephant
About having sex
About an elephant’s ears
And how they act like air conditioners
And I don’t know how to parse and pick
Which is the most important
And tell you if that thought was good or bad
Those five minutes weren’t good or bad
They just were
And the day just was
It was full of everything
But I don’t have a thing to show for it
Nothing at all
But you want an answer
And I’m standing here shrugging to buy myself some time
And time has taught me
Not to tell people about any of the 10,000 thoughts
Because they’ll either go blank and nod
Or think I’m odd
That I was obsessing all day
Over elephants or sex
Or both
So I tell you what I did today in the broadest strokes
I worked
I ate
I slept
I read a book
And then your eyes glaze over
And I don’t know how to tell you
That I also thought of René Descartes
And how he chose to doubt everything
Even his own existence
And then concluded that he could not doubt his own existence
If he didn’t even exist to begin with
And therefore, because he doubted, he existed
I can’t tell you that
Because that was less than 30 seconds of my day
And I don’t have any more to say about it
And no one gives a shit
And then I’ll just look weird
Or an idiot
Because I am an idiot
You’re an idiot
Everyone’s an idiot
Maybe not now
Maybe not often
But always lurking in the shadows
Your inner idiot waits to take hold
And humiliate you at a moment’s notice
And then the first impression is ruined
And I only got one chance to make it
And then you’ll know I’m a fool
And it’s better to be thought a fool
Than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt
And if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all
And don’t talk too much because you’ll seem self-important
And all the other lessons that a good child learns
That I haven’t yet learned to forget
So I keep my mouth shut and my ears open
I take the world in and don’t let it out
And if that makes me look cold and distant
Then I’ll learn not to care
Or fake not caring what the world thinks of me
I’ll learn how to smirk instead of smile
To chuckle instead of laugh
To be terse instead of talkative
My stone face staring down inscrutable
Like the head of an island giant
Until the day comes when I recognize
That wounded look in the other’s eyes
And I see that you think I don’t care
And that it hurts you
And I can’t tell you otherwise
Because the mask I built was secured with superglue
It seemed like a good idea at the time
And when I finally manage rip it off
You’ve had time to work on constructing your own
And now I feel the cool gaze on me
As all I can think to ask
Is how your day was?
Walter Kronkite's Lullaby for Lovers
06/12/14 07:11
His bedtime Netflix habit
Was biting him in the ass
For years, every night
He’d undress
Slip in to bed
Turn the lights down low
Open up the laptop
And switch on something
Educational
Something with a nice bit of
Narration
And soon he trained his brain
So that he could not drift to sleep
Except by the soft glow of the screen
And a soothing voice in his ear
Telling him something
Interesting
He was alone, and it was okay
And sometimes when it wasn’t
When he longed for embrace
Half the internet was there
With an answer
And a release
And afterwards, spent and relaxed
He would let the action continue
Too relaxed now to even hit pause
Drifting off to sleep
In the flickering lights
And the staged screams of ecstasy
He was still alone, but it was okay
And then one day
As much to his surprise as anyone else’s
He was not
They talked, and held hands
Went to restaurants
And kissed
And then one night,
She asked him to come up
And now his Netflix habit
Was biting him in the ass
For as they lay together talking
In the dark, in the warmth
The soothing sound of her voice
Sent him drifting off to dreams
As she confided, fearfully, that she loved him
And asked him if he loved her
And he snored in reply
And oh my friends
What happened next
I will not repeat
Except to say that once again
He was alone
And it
Was not
Okay
Was biting him in the ass
For years, every night
He’d undress
Slip in to bed
Turn the lights down low
Open up the laptop
And switch on something
Educational
Something with a nice bit of
Narration
And soon he trained his brain
So that he could not drift to sleep
Except by the soft glow of the screen
And a soothing voice in his ear
Telling him something
Interesting
He was alone, and it was okay
And sometimes when it wasn’t
When he longed for embrace
Half the internet was there
With an answer
And a release
And afterwards, spent and relaxed
He would let the action continue
Too relaxed now to even hit pause
Drifting off to sleep
In the flickering lights
And the staged screams of ecstasy
He was still alone, but it was okay
And then one day
As much to his surprise as anyone else’s
He was not
They talked, and held hands
Went to restaurants
And kissed
And then one night,
She asked him to come up
And now his Netflix habit
Was biting him in the ass
For as they lay together talking
In the dark, in the warmth
The soothing sound of her voice
Sent him drifting off to dreams
As she confided, fearfully, that she loved him
And asked him if he loved her
And he snored in reply
And oh my friends
What happened next
I will not repeat
Except to say that once again
He was alone
And it
Was not
Okay
Regret
06/11/14 00:17
I'm standing in a hall
And the hall is full of doors
Once, they were all open
And, spoiled for choice,
I took my time before I picked one
The choice felt good
And I was happy for a while
But in the end it was clear
That the room I had entered
Was not a place I could stay
And I stepped back out into the hallway
And the door shut behind me, locked
From the inside
And all the other doors, too
All locked shut
And now I'm standing in a hall
And the hall is full of locked doors
With small windows
Through which all I can do is look
And the hall is full of doors
Once, they were all open
And, spoiled for choice,
I took my time before I picked one
The choice felt good
And I was happy for a while
But in the end it was clear
That the room I had entered
Was not a place I could stay
And I stepped back out into the hallway
And the door shut behind me, locked
From the inside
And all the other doors, too
All locked shut
And now I'm standing in a hall
And the hall is full of locked doors
With small windows
Through which all I can do is look
Safe
06/10/14 18:34
I ran into your mother the other day
I was shopping for groceries, rounded a corner
And there she was.
Greyer than I remembered
Of course she would be
I pretended I had not seen her
And it had been so long
And I had changed so much
That I was sure she would not know me
But your sister was with her,
And though I can't ever remember
Exchanging more than five words with her
And she had aged beyond my ability to recognize her
She saw me as they approached the checkout lane
Knew who I was, and pointed me out to your mom
She tapped me on the shoulder with a smile
While I was examining the bourbon shelf
Asked whether I remembered her
Which of course, I did
And asked about me, about my mother
We caught up as much as one can
In three minutes time in a grocery aisle
She seemed well
I hope you'd be glad to know that
Cheerful, even
And I tried to be cheerful as well
But there's only so much I could say
Because the entire time I spoke to her
I couldn't help but superimpose your face
And look for your features there
You never did look much like your mom,
Except, maybe, in the eyes
And the smile
You are always smiling in my memory
I literally can't recall a single instance
Where you seemed to take life seriously
And I wondered if you'd have grown into her long features
If you hadn't taken a step forward into the lights
And turned them out
And now, as I sit waiting for an hour stuck on the train
Because someone else took your path
I find myself feeling, in a way, that I should thank you
There are times when I have been low
And wishing for some kind of release
And maybe it's just my way
Of trying to find some thin tin foil lining
To that pitch black thunderhead
That is your memory
But even putting aside all the other reasons
The mental image of the scene
Of seeing that church filled with red eyes
The sting of how I felt, how everyone felt
The uncertainty you gave me over what comes next
Has kept me from even considering an exit
I was shopping for groceries, rounded a corner
And there she was.
Greyer than I remembered
Of course she would be
I pretended I had not seen her
And it had been so long
And I had changed so much
That I was sure she would not know me
But your sister was with her,
And though I can't ever remember
Exchanging more than five words with her
And she had aged beyond my ability to recognize her
She saw me as they approached the checkout lane
Knew who I was, and pointed me out to your mom
She tapped me on the shoulder with a smile
While I was examining the bourbon shelf
Asked whether I remembered her
Which of course, I did
And asked about me, about my mother
We caught up as much as one can
In three minutes time in a grocery aisle
She seemed well
I hope you'd be glad to know that
Cheerful, even
And I tried to be cheerful as well
But there's only so much I could say
Because the entire time I spoke to her
I couldn't help but superimpose your face
And look for your features there
You never did look much like your mom,
Except, maybe, in the eyes
And the smile
You are always smiling in my memory
I literally can't recall a single instance
Where you seemed to take life seriously
And I wondered if you'd have grown into her long features
If you hadn't taken a step forward into the lights
And turned them out
And now, as I sit waiting for an hour stuck on the train
Because someone else took your path
I find myself feeling, in a way, that I should thank you
There are times when I have been low
And wishing for some kind of release
And maybe it's just my way
Of trying to find some thin tin foil lining
To that pitch black thunderhead
That is your memory
But even putting aside all the other reasons
The mental image of the scene
Of seeing that church filled with red eyes
The sting of how I felt, how everyone felt
The uncertainty you gave me over what comes next
Has kept me from even considering an exit
Personal Growth
06/04/14 21:07
Behind the Denny's there is a pool
The pool is old
Long since emptied of water
The one-time attraction
Of the equally dejected EconoLodge nearby
The pool is now fenced off and forgotten
Bushes and grasses crowding around
The concrete edges crumbling
The pool shed decomposing
And a thick, strong
Weather-proof
Water-proof
Child-falling-through-proof
Rubber-coated canvas tarp
Nailed in place with sturdy steel bolts
Extending deep within and beyond
The cracked and crumbling concrete edges
Years have passed
Leaves fell
Layer upon layer
The rot of time turning the oldest leaves to soil
Rains came and went
And after a time, welled up in the ever more stretched,
Weathered but still weatherproof
Waterproof
Oak leaf acid-proof
Rubber-coated canvas tarp
Formed a small pond suspended in the air
Grass seed drifted in on the wind
And sprouted, fruited, died, formed more soil
turning the mid-air pond into a mid-air marsh
And from the brown-black mire still extends
The long, grey aluminum handle
Of the pond skimmer
A last discarded act of resignation to fate
Tossed into the center years ago
Resting in the swamp
Above the thick, stretched, sunbleached white
Weathered but still weather-proof
Marsh-filled but still waterproof
Puncture-resistant
Rubber-coated canvas tarp
And as I stand there staring at a duck dabbling
In a marsh in a pond in a tarp above a pool
At the EconoLodge behind the Denny's
I know I could not have invented this
But I wish to take ownership of it
I feel the need to turn this into art
That there should be some kind of metaphor
That I can take away from this
Maybe the fragility of life
As some day even the tarp will fail, the pond will drain out
The grasses will all die
Or the obstinate willfulness of life
Colonizing any surface we leave alone
And playing out the great cycle in small scale
Or perhaps a meditation on rebirth
On how things broken and forgotten
Can be made new and whole in a different way
But in the end, I think
It doesn't matter
My art doesn't matter here
This place does not care if I make it into art
It exists BECAUSE no one cares
And it does not care either
This place simply is
As all things simply are
It was before I came
It will be after I go
And writing a poem cannot change things
Only people if I'm good
Only myself if I'm lucky
And maybe that is what's worth writing about
The pool is old
Long since emptied of water
The one-time attraction
Of the equally dejected EconoLodge nearby
The pool is now fenced off and forgotten
Bushes and grasses crowding around
The concrete edges crumbling
The pool shed decomposing
And a thick, strong
Weather-proof
Water-proof
Child-falling-through-proof
Rubber-coated canvas tarp
Nailed in place with sturdy steel bolts
Extending deep within and beyond
The cracked and crumbling concrete edges
Years have passed
Leaves fell
Layer upon layer
The rot of time turning the oldest leaves to soil
Rains came and went
And after a time, welled up in the ever more stretched,
Weathered but still weatherproof
Waterproof
Oak leaf acid-proof
Rubber-coated canvas tarp
Formed a small pond suspended in the air
Grass seed drifted in on the wind
And sprouted, fruited, died, formed more soil
turning the mid-air pond into a mid-air marsh
And from the brown-black mire still extends
The long, grey aluminum handle
Of the pond skimmer
A last discarded act of resignation to fate
Tossed into the center years ago
Resting in the swamp
Above the thick, stretched, sunbleached white
Weathered but still weather-proof
Marsh-filled but still waterproof
Puncture-resistant
Rubber-coated canvas tarp
And as I stand there staring at a duck dabbling
In a marsh in a pond in a tarp above a pool
At the EconoLodge behind the Denny's
I know I could not have invented this
But I wish to take ownership of it
I feel the need to turn this into art
That there should be some kind of metaphor
That I can take away from this
Maybe the fragility of life
As some day even the tarp will fail, the pond will drain out
The grasses will all die
Or the obstinate willfulness of life
Colonizing any surface we leave alone
And playing out the great cycle in small scale
Or perhaps a meditation on rebirth
On how things broken and forgotten
Can be made new and whole in a different way
But in the end, I think
It doesn't matter
My art doesn't matter here
This place does not care if I make it into art
It exists BECAUSE no one cares
And it does not care either
This place simply is
As all things simply are
It was before I came
It will be after I go
And writing a poem cannot change things
Only people if I'm good
Only myself if I'm lucky
And maybe that is what's worth writing about
Ought
04/23/14 01:25
She had a proposition for me
I had no answer
I could only shiver
And she asked me where I was cold
I said the answer to that question was yes
And then her hand was on my chest
And her smell was in my nose
And her breath was in my ear
And her words were in my mind
And her head was on my shoulder
And my hand was on her knee
And I was going to be sick
I was going to be sick
And I hated myself
Because I knew what I should do
With the clarity of a comic book
But I was frozen like a statue
Like a deer caught in headlights
Because no one would be hurt
Because no one would have cared
Because no one had to know
Were the words she had said
Were the only words in my head
And all the voices screaming NO
Had cotton rags stuffed down their throats
And it was all that they could do
To keep my arms locked where they were
To keep my face forward, out of reach
And to avoid her eyes
Avoid her eyes
Because then she'd have me
And then I'd lean down
And make promises that I couldn't keep
Even though she didn't ask for promises
Because I knew we were too different
I knew that we were not soul mates
Even though she wasn't looking for that
And frankly neither was I
But casual was never a word
In my vocabulary
Because that's what Jesus taught me
Or at least that's what my teachers said
And though I forgot His other lessons
Somehow that one stuck
And now a thousand times over
I am going to hell in my mind
And now I smell the beer on her breath
And now I see that she sways as she smiles
And it's black and white what I should do
But I have had a few, too
And it's all I can do to just do nothing
But sit and breathe like a bellows
As my eyes lock shut
As she strokes my chest
And whispers husky thoughts
Because I cannot remember
The last time someone touched me
And when, God be praised
Her friend bursts out of the door
And tells her they are going home
Because it's late, and cold
She slinks around me as she rises
And breathes in my ear
That she will see me later
And I am so afraid
So afraid of what is to come
I had no answer
I could only shiver
And she asked me where I was cold
I said the answer to that question was yes
And then her hand was on my chest
And her smell was in my nose
And her breath was in my ear
And her words were in my mind
And her head was on my shoulder
And my hand was on her knee
And I was going to be sick
I was going to be sick
And I hated myself
Because I knew what I should do
With the clarity of a comic book
But I was frozen like a statue
Like a deer caught in headlights
Because no one would be hurt
Because no one would have cared
Because no one had to know
Were the words she had said
Were the only words in my head
And all the voices screaming NO
Had cotton rags stuffed down their throats
And it was all that they could do
To keep my arms locked where they were
To keep my face forward, out of reach
And to avoid her eyes
Avoid her eyes
Because then she'd have me
And then I'd lean down
And make promises that I couldn't keep
Even though she didn't ask for promises
Because I knew we were too different
I knew that we were not soul mates
Even though she wasn't looking for that
And frankly neither was I
But casual was never a word
In my vocabulary
Because that's what Jesus taught me
Or at least that's what my teachers said
And though I forgot His other lessons
Somehow that one stuck
And now a thousand times over
I am going to hell in my mind
And now I smell the beer on her breath
And now I see that she sways as she smiles
And it's black and white what I should do
But I have had a few, too
And it's all I can do to just do nothing
But sit and breathe like a bellows
As my eyes lock shut
As she strokes my chest
And whispers husky thoughts
Because I cannot remember
The last time someone touched me
And when, God be praised
Her friend bursts out of the door
And tells her they are going home
Because it's late, and cold
She slinks around me as she rises
And breathes in my ear
That she will see me later
And I am so afraid
So afraid of what is to come
The Stoat and The Rabbit
03/26/14 02:19
I will not look you in the eye
Your eyes are lethal
And if I hold your gaze
I will be at your mercy again
And once was enough
I'll sit with you for hours
We'll talk about anything you want
But I will not look you in the eye
And if you snag me with a glance
And make me think of dim rooms
And soft words
I will remind myself that the shark
Is not smiling when I see its teeth
The baboon does not yawn
Because it is tired
The crocodile's eyes
Are not wet with sadness
The snapping turtle does not wish
To nourish the fish with its wriggling
Pink worm tongue
And not even the orchid loves
The moth it has seduced
And fed at its bosom
And when you smile at me
That smile has meaning
Known only to yourself
But that's alright now
I understand at last
That you are a different animal
And it means something else
When you say that you've missed me
And I've learned to look east
And think of England
When you stare me in the eye
You will keep your secrets
And I will keep my distance
And maybe then
We will both have what we wanted
Your eyes are lethal
And if I hold your gaze
I will be at your mercy again
And once was enough
I'll sit with you for hours
We'll talk about anything you want
But I will not look you in the eye
And if you snag me with a glance
And make me think of dim rooms
And soft words
I will remind myself that the shark
Is not smiling when I see its teeth
The baboon does not yawn
Because it is tired
The crocodile's eyes
Are not wet with sadness
The snapping turtle does not wish
To nourish the fish with its wriggling
Pink worm tongue
And not even the orchid loves
The moth it has seduced
And fed at its bosom
And when you smile at me
That smile has meaning
Known only to yourself
But that's alright now
I understand at last
That you are a different animal
And it means something else
When you say that you've missed me
And I've learned to look east
And think of England
When you stare me in the eye
You will keep your secrets
And I will keep my distance
And maybe then
We will both have what we wanted
The Hypochondriac's Denial
03/10/14 16:30
My arm is tingling
Maybe it's asleep
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
Maybe it's a stroke
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
Maybe it's a heart attack
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
And I can't seem to think straight
Maybe it's a brain tumor
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
And I can't seem to think straight
And I'm sweating like I'm guilty
Maybe I've got rabies
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
And I can't seem to think straight
And I'm sweating like I'm guilty
And all I want to do is run and hide
Maybe I'm insane
Because my arm is tingling
Where she brushed against it
And it doesn't want to move
I don't want to move it
And my heart feels like it just stopped
As she leans in to me to ask a question
And I can't seem to think straight
When I try to answer
And I'm sweating like I'm guilty
When I close my eyes and think of her
And all I want to do is run and hide
Because maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm misreading
Maybe she's just friendly
Maybe I would ruin it
Maybe I'm not good enough
Maybe she's crazy
Maybe I would hurt her
Maybe she would hurt me
Maybe I'm just sick
Maybe my arm's just asleep
Maybe I'm just having a stroke
Maybe it's just a heart attack
Maybe it's just a brain tumor
Maybe It's just rabies
Why couldn't it be rabies?
Maybe something bit me
And I clean forgot about it
And it's just showing up now
As she invites me to the table
And she sits close beside me
And she smiles at my jokes
And she asks about my day
Because none of that makes sense
Unless a raccoon bit me last week
While I was taking out the garbage
And I clean forgot about it
Because these things just happen
And why make a big fuss
Over something as trivial as a raccoon bite
But now I've got rabies
And I'm crazy and imagining things
And I'm probably scared of water
And a month from now when I'm dead
She'll be there at my funeral
Crying on my friend's shoulder
Saying that I seemed like a nice guy
But she never really got to know me
And oh, if only
If only she had recognized the signs
Maybe it's asleep
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
Maybe it's a stroke
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
Maybe it's a heart attack
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
And I can't seem to think straight
Maybe it's a brain tumor
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
And I can't seem to think straight
And I'm sweating like I'm guilty
Maybe I've got rabies
My arm is tingling
And it doesn't want to move
And my heart feels like it just stopped
And I can't seem to think straight
And I'm sweating like I'm guilty
And all I want to do is run and hide
Maybe I'm insane
Because my arm is tingling
Where she brushed against it
And it doesn't want to move
I don't want to move it
And my heart feels like it just stopped
As she leans in to me to ask a question
And I can't seem to think straight
When I try to answer
And I'm sweating like I'm guilty
When I close my eyes and think of her
And all I want to do is run and hide
Because maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm misreading
Maybe she's just friendly
Maybe I would ruin it
Maybe I'm not good enough
Maybe she's crazy
Maybe I would hurt her
Maybe she would hurt me
Maybe I'm just sick
Maybe my arm's just asleep
Maybe I'm just having a stroke
Maybe it's just a heart attack
Maybe it's just a brain tumor
Maybe It's just rabies
Why couldn't it be rabies?
Maybe something bit me
And I clean forgot about it
And it's just showing up now
As she invites me to the table
And she sits close beside me
And she smiles at my jokes
And she asks about my day
Because none of that makes sense
Unless a raccoon bit me last week
While I was taking out the garbage
And I clean forgot about it
Because these things just happen
And why make a big fuss
Over something as trivial as a raccoon bite
But now I've got rabies
And I'm crazy and imagining things
And I'm probably scared of water
And a month from now when I'm dead
She'll be there at my funeral
Crying on my friend's shoulder
Saying that I seemed like a nice guy
But she never really got to know me
And oh, if only
If only she had recognized the signs
Don't Tread On Me
02/25/14 22:02
I stepped into the subway car and stood, staring at my feet, and then at the slowly expanding pool radiating from the tip of my umbrella as it rested on the floor. The water shone white in the reflected fluorescent lights against the dark plastic marbled floor. Absentmindedly, I began to paint. Two humps that became eyes when I added two dots, a bump for a nose, a jawline like the state of Texas, a curlicue ear. Scratched lines of a mouth, folds at its edges, eyelids, the philtrum, three lines to suggest a head of hair. Nobody seemed to notice or care. I stepped back to look at the face I have doodled so many times. It looked bored, or sad. I'm not sure I could draw it any other way.
And then the next stop came, and the inevitable happened. A boot-print briefly turned the mouth into a whiskered mustache, before the whole thing was trod out of existence. And in that moment I felt a small piece of the way my classmate had felt when someone had written God's name on the sidewalk, offended that someone might step on it, as if it were not chalk, as if colored, powdered limestone scratched out in lines that could be interpreted as the English letters for the Hebrew name Yahweh somehow conjured and bound Him to the concrete, and so protective of his name, as if it could hurt or offend God, God the almighty, the great I Am, as if he who made the heavens and earth and looked down on us all could be so abused by someone stepping on a sidewalk pavement block in which someone had scrawled his name.
A small, small piece of this I felt as people entered the car, and walked on my drawing, instinctively thinking They're stepping on his face, as if I had not created him, as if the crude, bored, misshapen visage was real, had life, could feel their wet treads destroy him, as if he, made of water, were not already doomed to death at his inception. But I let it go, because you must let things go, and stared at my feet again. And when I finally stepped out of the car, I noted, on the drying floor, still there remained two humps for eyes, and a jawline like the state of Texas.
And then the next stop came, and the inevitable happened. A boot-print briefly turned the mouth into a whiskered mustache, before the whole thing was trod out of existence. And in that moment I felt a small piece of the way my classmate had felt when someone had written God's name on the sidewalk, offended that someone might step on it, as if it were not chalk, as if colored, powdered limestone scratched out in lines that could be interpreted as the English letters for the Hebrew name Yahweh somehow conjured and bound Him to the concrete, and so protective of his name, as if it could hurt or offend God, God the almighty, the great I Am, as if he who made the heavens and earth and looked down on us all could be so abused by someone stepping on a sidewalk pavement block in which someone had scrawled his name.
A small, small piece of this I felt as people entered the car, and walked on my drawing, instinctively thinking They're stepping on his face, as if I had not created him, as if the crude, bored, misshapen visage was real, had life, could feel their wet treads destroy him, as if he, made of water, were not already doomed to death at his inception. But I let it go, because you must let things go, and stared at my feet again. And when I finally stepped out of the car, I noted, on the drying floor, still there remained two humps for eyes, and a jawline like the state of Texas.
Grief
02/24/14 20:42
I forgave you your eccentricities
Your burning need to point out everything pug-related,
Everywhere, at all times,
Randomly crying out "Pug!"
Dropping constant hints that we should get one
Even though we weren't living together.
And the OCD tics you didn't tell me about
Until 2 years into the relationship
The bricks you counted, the hand washing
I forgave you for not telling me
Because they were harmless.
I forgave you for wanting to get married
For having a 3 year time limit
Starting at our 3rd date
In spite of me not being ready
For proposing to me twice
In spite of all the reasons not to
I forgave you
Because I wasn't ready to be alone again, either
Because before you, alone was all I'd known
And I was scared to go back
I forgave you for your moods
Your anger
The way you could be so sullen
And angry at everything
That you seemed to hate or fear
Every friend I tried to make
And several members of my family
Who had shown you nothing but kindness
Yours was not an easy life
And anyone with family like yours
Could be excused for such distrust and fury
And you never seemed to catch a break
So I let it wash over me
And everything in my life
And bore it as best I could
And the slow separation from a life that was not you
Because you needed help
And what would happen if I wasn't there?
I forgave you for the headaches, and the asthma,
For your need to have me there
When I had to be somewhere else,
When I could do nothing
For the fact that you wept and panicked if I had to leave
Because it was your body, and you were scared,
And it wasn't your fault
I forgave you the anorexia
Because you fought it
And choked down food
Even when it made you cry.
I forgave you for not seeking help
For refusing to be diagnosed bipolar
Because I knew you were poor
And I wasn't exactly Mr Stability either
So I didn't want to throw stones
In that particular glass house
I forgave you for drinking every drop of alcohol in my house
While I was out one night
Passing out on my sofa
Vomiting all over my floor
Then refusing to go to the hospital
And lolling back in my arms,
Weeping and laughing,
But mostly weeping
Slurring out with a smile that you were sorry
So sorry
Telling me that you were bad,
And that I was good
I forgave you that
Cleaned you up
Carried you to the bed
Tucked you in
And emptied all the alcohol in my house
And forgave you
Because I should have known better by that point
So it was my own fault, really
And you needed help
And what would happen if I wasn't there?
And when my grandmother was dying,
And I begged you, on my birthday,
To please lend me the car to go and see her,
And you first calmly told me
That I'd seen her yesterday
And we could see her the next day,
But not today because we had somewhere to be
That there wasn't enough time
And then you screamed when I resisted
That I was ruining your plans
And I said okay
And I let you drive me north instead of south,
And sat politely smiling in the house of your grandparents
Eating the surprise birthday ice cream cake,
While my grandmother struggled
To breathe through the lung cancer that was killing her
Alone in a hospital bed 50 miles in the other direction
And I told you I forgave you
But I lied
I lied
No forgiveness
Not for you
And not for myself
And later when you made out with someone else at a party
The cheating was just an excuse I needed
For breaking up with you
Because I hated what you had done
For stealing one last birthday wish from my grandma
And I told myself I would never forgive you
Not when you called me asking to come back
Saying you'd been diagnosed bipolar
And that you were having surgery to remove a tumor
And you were scared
And you wanted me there
I did not forgive you, muttered that I was sorry,
And hung up the phone
I did not forgive you
When your creditors came calling me
Asking if I knew where you were
And I didn't
But I think I would have told them if I had
And time and distance calmed me down
And made me feel less
But when one day I searched for your name out of boredom
And found out you were dead
That you had died just weeks before
That you had taken pills
When I lied to your landlord on the phone
About who I was
And let her tell me of your life
Of how you had gotten engaged
And were left at the altar
And how she loved you like a granddaughter
And now she missed you every day
Then, and only then, far too late
I could forgive you
But I'm not forgiven
And even though I know
That leaving was the right thing
The only thing I could do
I can't help but wonder
What would have happened if I was there?
Your burning need to point out everything pug-related,
Everywhere, at all times,
Randomly crying out "Pug!"
Dropping constant hints that we should get one
Even though we weren't living together.
And the OCD tics you didn't tell me about
Until 2 years into the relationship
The bricks you counted, the hand washing
I forgave you for not telling me
Because they were harmless.
I forgave you for wanting to get married
For having a 3 year time limit
Starting at our 3rd date
In spite of me not being ready
For proposing to me twice
In spite of all the reasons not to
I forgave you
Because I wasn't ready to be alone again, either
Because before you, alone was all I'd known
And I was scared to go back
I forgave you for your moods
Your anger
The way you could be so sullen
And angry at everything
That you seemed to hate or fear
Every friend I tried to make
And several members of my family
Who had shown you nothing but kindness
Yours was not an easy life
And anyone with family like yours
Could be excused for such distrust and fury
And you never seemed to catch a break
So I let it wash over me
And everything in my life
And bore it as best I could
And the slow separation from a life that was not you
Because you needed help
And what would happen if I wasn't there?
I forgave you for the headaches, and the asthma,
For your need to have me there
When I had to be somewhere else,
When I could do nothing
For the fact that you wept and panicked if I had to leave
Because it was your body, and you were scared,
And it wasn't your fault
I forgave you the anorexia
Because you fought it
And choked down food
Even when it made you cry.
I forgave you for not seeking help
For refusing to be diagnosed bipolar
Because I knew you were poor
And I wasn't exactly Mr Stability either
So I didn't want to throw stones
In that particular glass house
I forgave you for drinking every drop of alcohol in my house
While I was out one night
Passing out on my sofa
Vomiting all over my floor
Then refusing to go to the hospital
And lolling back in my arms,
Weeping and laughing,
But mostly weeping
Slurring out with a smile that you were sorry
So sorry
Telling me that you were bad,
And that I was good
I forgave you that
Cleaned you up
Carried you to the bed
Tucked you in
And emptied all the alcohol in my house
And forgave you
Because I should have known better by that point
So it was my own fault, really
And you needed help
And what would happen if I wasn't there?
And when my grandmother was dying,
And I begged you, on my birthday,
To please lend me the car to go and see her,
And you first calmly told me
That I'd seen her yesterday
And we could see her the next day,
But not today because we had somewhere to be
That there wasn't enough time
And then you screamed when I resisted
That I was ruining your plans
And I said okay
And I let you drive me north instead of south,
And sat politely smiling in the house of your grandparents
Eating the surprise birthday ice cream cake,
While my grandmother struggled
To breathe through the lung cancer that was killing her
Alone in a hospital bed 50 miles in the other direction
And I told you I forgave you
But I lied
I lied
No forgiveness
Not for you
And not for myself
And later when you made out with someone else at a party
The cheating was just an excuse I needed
For breaking up with you
Because I hated what you had done
For stealing one last birthday wish from my grandma
And I told myself I would never forgive you
Not when you called me asking to come back
Saying you'd been diagnosed bipolar
And that you were having surgery to remove a tumor
And you were scared
And you wanted me there
I did not forgive you, muttered that I was sorry,
And hung up the phone
I did not forgive you
When your creditors came calling me
Asking if I knew where you were
And I didn't
But I think I would have told them if I had
And time and distance calmed me down
And made me feel less
But when one day I searched for your name out of boredom
And found out you were dead
That you had died just weeks before
That you had taken pills
When I lied to your landlord on the phone
About who I was
And let her tell me of your life
Of how you had gotten engaged
And were left at the altar
And how she loved you like a granddaughter
And now she missed you every day
Then, and only then, far too late
I could forgive you
But I'm not forgiven
And even though I know
That leaving was the right thing
The only thing I could do
I can't help but wonder
What would have happened if I was there?
Hic Et Ubique
02/11/14 23:44
You're there, still, in my head
In real life we never speak now
And that's probably for the best
But there's still a piece of you up here
You and all the rest
Normally I think of the painful moments
Where it went wrong
Or when I made a fool of myself
But sometimes, just for a second or two,
When my eyes are shut tight against my own thoughts
When I wish I could stop thinking altogether,
As a last desperate act, my imagination takes hold
And I feel a body ease down beside me
Hear the rustle of fabric, the creak of leather
And I open my eyes and you are there
Staring at me sidelong
Silently smirking, a question on your eyebrows
Seeming to say "What are you doing?"
And in that moment, just as my chest releases fractionally
Enough to let out a soft, self-conscious chuckle
As I try to stop looking pathetic for your sake
In that moment you are gone again
I wish you'd leave me alone sometimes
I'd let go of you if I could
You, and all the others,
Tiptoeing around my mind
Popping into my field of vision when least convenient
But most wanted
When I least want to remember loving you
With your gentle smiles
And your fond embraces
And never any words
Because I remember the words too well
The real ones
And they will always stay buried
When I'm busy lying to myself
In real life we never speak now
And that's probably for the best
But there's still a piece of you up here
You and all the rest
Normally I think of the painful moments
Where it went wrong
Or when I made a fool of myself
But sometimes, just for a second or two,
When my eyes are shut tight against my own thoughts
When I wish I could stop thinking altogether,
As a last desperate act, my imagination takes hold
And I feel a body ease down beside me
Hear the rustle of fabric, the creak of leather
And I open my eyes and you are there
Staring at me sidelong
Silently smirking, a question on your eyebrows
Seeming to say "What are you doing?"
And in that moment, just as my chest releases fractionally
Enough to let out a soft, self-conscious chuckle
As I try to stop looking pathetic for your sake
In that moment you are gone again
I wish you'd leave me alone sometimes
I'd let go of you if I could
You, and all the others,
Tiptoeing around my mind
Popping into my field of vision when least convenient
But most wanted
When I least want to remember loving you
With your gentle smiles
And your fond embraces
And never any words
Because I remember the words too well
The real ones
And they will always stay buried
When I'm busy lying to myself
Survivor's Guilt
01/14/14 23:06
I'm the only one left, now
I am the sole keeper of our secrets
Of these pieces of your memory
That were for you and me alone
I hold you in my mind
Like an inconvenient scrapbook
Like an old awkward photo album
Like the curator for the world's loneliest museum
And I guess that means I'm free to do what I like
I could air all our dirty laundry
Spill all the sordid moments
I could tell monstrous lies
And hateful half-truths
I could stand in front of a crowd and call you a bitch
And no one would gainsay me
Because I am the only one left who knows
But the one thing I can't do is throw these things out
Not that I could
Even if I wanted to
Even if I didn't find it impossible to throw anything away
Even the most useless scraps of paper
I couldn't empty out that particular mental storage crate
Because those brain cells are now spoken for
Hardwired
Dedicated
To the task of preserving those moments
When you smiled
When you were in the hospital
When you screamed at me
When I held you
When I left
And I feel like they should mean something
Not just to me, but to the world
And I can't forget them because I am the only one left
And someone someday might ask me about you
About us
About what happened
And what didn't
About you
As I knew you
From ages 23 to 26
A chapter in your never-written biography
The missing chapter I swore to never publish
While you could be hurt by it
But now you're beyond hurting
And there's nobody else left
Who would understand
Or who wants to hear
I am the sole keeper of our secrets
Of these pieces of your memory
That were for you and me alone
I hold you in my mind
Like an inconvenient scrapbook
Like an old awkward photo album
Like the curator for the world's loneliest museum
And I guess that means I'm free to do what I like
I could air all our dirty laundry
Spill all the sordid moments
I could tell monstrous lies
And hateful half-truths
I could stand in front of a crowd and call you a bitch
And no one would gainsay me
Because I am the only one left who knows
But the one thing I can't do is throw these things out
Not that I could
Even if I wanted to
Even if I didn't find it impossible to throw anything away
Even the most useless scraps of paper
I couldn't empty out that particular mental storage crate
Because those brain cells are now spoken for
Hardwired
Dedicated
To the task of preserving those moments
When you smiled
When you were in the hospital
When you screamed at me
When I held you
When I left
And I feel like they should mean something
Not just to me, but to the world
And I can't forget them because I am the only one left
And someone someday might ask me about you
About us
About what happened
And what didn't
About you
As I knew you
From ages 23 to 26
A chapter in your never-written biography
The missing chapter I swore to never publish
While you could be hurt by it
But now you're beyond hurting
And there's nobody else left
Who would understand
Or who wants to hear